Hva er den beste gave du kan gi?

Et nylig TV program (NRK1) tok opp fars utfordring i veiledning av barnet. Det viser seg at det ofte er mest prestasjonsorientert og lite rettet mot å håndtere følelser, som far ofte selv ikke er så god på. Far er ofte flink til å kjøre på fotball og heie på prestasjonene, de som bygger selvtillit (og konkurranse ånd ) men ikke selvfølelse. Programmet fokuserer på å erkjenne at livet har andre sider enn de prestasjons- og målingsrelaterte. Flere fedre har mot til å erkjenne at de mangler språk og fokus på følelser, og de starter en endring!





"VENTER PÅ FAR"?  HVOR LIGGER HUNDEN BEGRAVET? Ikke bare hos far:

Dette har ikke bare sammenheng med mange sønner som har en far "med skall", men også til samliv, relasjoner, kvinneroller og mannsroller og også næringslivet, hele samfunnet. For ikke å gape for høyt (her, akkurat nå) setter vi over til barn/foreldre igjen;

Mens dette dukker opp i media og på TV, sitter jeg med en nettbasert foreldretest som kan brukes som verktøy for at vi selv skal finne forbedringsområder og lage egne "handlingsplaner" for en endret adferd overfor barna. -Uten å måtte lese de 300 siders (fremragende, men noen ganger lange) bøkene av Jesper Juul, JohnGottman, med flere. 

Det er av interesse for såvel kvinner som menn.  

Den bygger på Gottmanns forskning, og har et aktivt innhold som leder til økt forståelse. TV- programmet handler om at menn er usikre på sin rolle og ikke kjenner følelsenes språk, bare prestasjonenes språk. Ref. til "Farsrevolusjonen" av Per Are Løkke. Uansett er det like interessant læring for oss mødre såvel som fedre, da vi alle har en arv som er mest basert på plikt-etikk og kontroll vs respekt.

Her kommer noen statements fra Gottman selv, basert på en forenkling av bildet på god far /dårlig far:  

Å LÆRE SEG SELV OG BARNA EMOSJONELL "MESTRING" VIL VÆRE  DEN BESTE PRESANG, versus flere materielle goder....

"Perhaps the best present they could give in a society concerned with growing teen-age violence is emotional "control", a skill scientists believe fathers help foster in powerful ways."  Fathers are critical in children's development of emotional control, according to University of Washington psychologist John Gottman, author of "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child." Dette er ikke minst interessant i sammenheng med å fremme emosjonelle, kreative, tillitsfulle folk med livsglede...

Det være seg for kunnskapsledelse, kunnskapsarbeid eller kvaliteten på hele livet...selvfølelse trigger læringsevne - og er emosjonelt betinget, i barn som voksne:

In studying emotional regulation, Gottman said psychologists look at such things as a marriage, a parent-child relationship or a child-to-child relationship to see if emotions are mediated by physiology. A regulated system works like a thermostat that comes back to a set temperature when a room gets too hot or cold. People with good emotional regulation recover from stressful or trying situations faster and are better able to manage their emotional responses.

"How parents feel about basic emotions is the key," he said. "Do they see emotions as being positive or do they dismiss emotions as something from the devil?"

KONKRETE EKSEMPLER

Gottman's research has found that some parents who view emotions as a positive force actually coach or teach their children how to become emotionally intelligent.

Emotional intelligence is a person's awareness of their own and other people's emotions and the ability to control his or her feelings.

In the long run, emotional coaching pays off in children who score higher on math and reading achievement tests, have longer attention spans and have fewer behavior problems in school, at home and with friends.

His research also showed these children had lower heart rates and levels of stress hormones in urine samples.

"Unfortunately, punishing kids for having an emotion is fairly common," he said.

"Take the example of a 4-year-old girl who is drawing and gets angry because her crayon breaks.

• A parent shouldn't punish the child for getting angry in this situation, but many do.
  
• Instead, the parent needs to recognize the emotions the child is feeling, the context, give understanding to the child and give the child the words for the emotions she is feeling.

"Words to describe emotions are power and the emotionally intelligent parent is empowering the child."

By the time they are 8, emotionally coached children are acting differently.

• A boy might be reading at a table when another comes up, wants his attention and pulls the book away. According to Gottman, an emotionally coached child probably would say the action made him angry, explain that he's trying to read and ask the other child to stop and please give the book back.
  
• The uncoached child would probably just hit the other youngster.

"The uniqueness of fathers is their ability to engage in high-energy play. Men just seem to do it more than women. Fathers do it naturally, like tossing a baby into the air and catching it. Mothers are uncomfortable or horrified by some of this playing. High-energy play teaches emotional regulation.

• When dads are crappy or poor emotional coaches they stimulate a child and won't stop the play until the child gets upset.
  
• A good father knows when to stop and helps the child to calm down. This is early emotional coaching," he said.

Gottman has found that fathers have different teaching styles with their children.

• When a child is around 4, he's noted that emotionally intelligent fathers teach by giving information. Then they don't interfere, wait for the child to do something right and then praise the child.
  
• Other fathers who are connected to their child also give information. But they get involved as the child attempts to use the information and criticize the child when he does something wrong or makes a mistake.

A child's performance "goes in the tube" with criticism, according to Gottman.

However, children react differently depending on whether the criticism comes from a usually-positive or usually-negative father. "We were surprised to find that with a positive parent a child's heart rate goes up faster, but recovers faster from a zinger from dad or someone else. What these children are doing is calming themselves faster. The heart rates of children with negative dads don't spike as sharply, but their heart rate stays higher longer before returning to normal. They are not as well-regulated physiologically," sier Gottman.

Kilde: The Gottman Institute hvor Mindstep har rettighet til gjenbruk.

Mindstep kommer tilbake til den høyst aktuelle foreldreprofil-testen, og flere 'tips' fra Gottman. Dette har sammenheng med det mye omtalte paradigmeskifte i ledelse, og det har med grunnlaget for læreevne og innovasjon i næringslivet å gjøre. Og ikke minst vår og barnas livskvalitet.

Samarbeid for å styrke denne type satsing, tilby kurs, artikler, forum: Ta gjerne uformell kontakt med Redaksjonen@Mindstep.no . Det er meg.

Et godt eksempel  er Foreldre i riktig retning, og mer kommer. - Torny Annina

2003-09-29 Torny Annina Berg